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POSSIBILITY PARENT
What Our Children Learn From Us
One of the most important things our children learn from us is how to raise children. We learn child-raising practices without knowing it largely from experiencing how our own parents raised us. Our parents learned child raising from their parents, who carried on the child raising traditions given to them by their parents, and so on. The chain has been unbroken, handed down from generation to generation, possibly for thousands of years. This result is that you may be using very old child-raising thoughtware.
Through seriously questioning your own actions and motivations and choosing what purposes you serve when being with your children, you can create the possibility of shifting your behavior and your attitudes. You can take a stand and declare that, “The chain breaks here!” Then you can do something entirely different. This is important work. By making the effort to improve your parenting, and by being consistent, you can make a real difference in the quality of your child's life. Not only that, but by blessing your children with kindness, generosity, and respect, you are influencing the ways children will be raised for many generations into the future
HOLDING SPACE FOR CHILDREN
From the point of view of becoming a Father
THERE ARE NO FATHER
There are no fathers in Modern Culture. Modern Culture does not make fathers. Modern Culture creates self-centered, success-driven, ego-inflated adolescent in big bodies. That man (with a small 'm') is not a father and cannot become a father without extracting himself from the tentacules of patriarchal thoughtware.
How can you do that?
This is another conversation... However, consider, that, if you are a man and have children, that you are probably not yet a father.
RELATE TO YOUR CHILDREN
If you relate to your children as if they are mature, responsible, sensitive, strong, loving, coordinated, beautiful, intelligent, communicative, radiantly happy, team players, passionately involved in fulfilling their Quest and living a life that really matters to them, then that is who you will get to live with for eighteen years.
Some men insist that child-raising is more complicated than this.
It is not.
The reason a father wants it to be more complicated is so that he does not have to experience the painful introspection of taking responsibility for having trained his children to be like they are. The father wants to blame someone or something else and pretend to be an innocent victim in the situation. If he maneuvers to abscond from responsibility, of course, then that is how he teaches his children to raise their own children. New possibilities only arise when a father stops pretending he knows how to be a father, and starts asking seriously vulnerable questions.
The following ideas unfold as specific answers to the question, “What conditions give my child optimum opportunity for health and happiness?”
Many of the suggestions are for newborn infants, because this is when a child downloads most of their ‘human thoughtware’ about who they are, who other people are, and what to do in a world like this with people like them.
If your children are already older than three or four years, look for the attitudes behind the practices discussed below, and find ways to incorporate these attitudes into your relationship with your children whatever their age.
What is offered below is a ‘Child-Raising Wish List’ of best practices. They are fairly unjustified proclamations. Confirmational research and study materials abound, so here we present the condensed version. Also, many of the suggestions apply directly to the mother. What the Man can do is support the Woman in her choices both by helping with details, and standing certain in the energetics, holding space for her to proceed even in the face of concerned neighbors, overbearing parents, and mass media who has no idea how to promote human evolution of consciousness, and in fact is terrified of the simplicity of true human contact and human relationship.
Here we go.
CHILDREN SPACE AND ADULT SPACE
Children space and Adult space have different contexts, purposes and rules of engagement.
If you do not distinguish between spaces, what you have is Children Space for 18 years or more of your life. The Children space undermines any Adult space. For 18 years, you give up on having intimate, creative, listening, loving Adult space with your partner, with your friends, with your colleague. Your Heart and your Sould starve.
If you learn to distinguish between an Adult Space and a Children Space, then your children can learn to be in an Adult Space. More than that, they learn to distinguish between different energetic spaces, and behave accordingly to the protocols of each space.
As soon as they can understand instructions, which is around 1 and a half, you clearly state: "Over there is the Kids space, over there you can make all kind of noise, you can speak, you can play with your toys. Here, this is an Adult space. If you are in this space, you are quiet. Over there you can make noise, here you are quiet. It is an Adult space."
You then can start distinguishing all sorts of space that have different rules of engagement. For example, 'Visiting Granma's house': In this space, you cannot kick the cat or draw on the wall. Or 'the Shopping Space': in the Shopping Space, you cannot pull stuff off the shelves. You ask me first. Or the 'Movie Space': in the Movie Space, we watch a movie, we don't play with toys. If you want to play with toys, then you can go in the Kids Play Space. Etc...
You respect your space as much as you respect your child's space. No more and no less.
BREASTFEEDING & MORE
(From the point of view of becoming a father)
BREAFEST YOUR BABY NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS
Your Woman may need to change her familiar self-image for the next few years - but with your support she can do this. She can then look in the mirror and see herself as a breastfeeder and feel good about it! Her body wants to.
Breastfeed your baby on demand day and night no matter what for at least two years. Feed them only breast milk for their first six months, gradually adding solid food after that.
There is NOTHING that can replace the nurturing, life-supporting experience of skin-to-skin contact between baby and mother during nursing time. We could speak for hours about the virtues of naturally breastfeeding your baby. Fortunately, there are already excellent books and resources available for your reference.
SLEEP IN THE SAME BIG 'FAMILY BED'
Have your child sleep with you in a big ‘family bed’ until they decide to sleep in their own bed around the age of three to six years.
Imagine how fear of the dark, fear of lightning and thunder, fear of nightmares, or fear of abandonment could all resolve themselves without residue if there was certainty about a Mother's or Father's arm to snuggle into all night long. Families have been sleeping together for over two-hundred-thousand years.
Putting a baby to sleep ‘in their own room’ or even ‘in their own bed’ is a recent modern-culture neurosis development with serious social and psychological side effects.
On the other hand, sexual abuse also has serious social and psychological side effects. If you cannot not sexually abuse your children, skip the family bed idea.
And immediately go get serious long-term professional help as a criminal.
NO PACIFIERS
Do not put a ‘pacifier’ in your child's mouth.
Putting a piece of rubber in your baby's mouth delivers a very powerful negative message to them. They realize that what they have to say is not wanted or needed.
When a parent disempowers their own child by preventing them from speaking, the child knows things are not as they should be. They begin to view the world as unsafe for them.
Instead of providing security for the child, rubber sucking devices deliver insecurity.
Your child is already a person.
Gagging your child for your own comfort is devastating for them.
WEAR YOUR BABY
Wear your baby! Strap your baby onto your body.
You can obtain a few different kinds of front or back baby carriers – many are available these days – and learn how to use them. When you wake up in the morning and get dressed, you can put on your baby like you put on your shirt. This gives you two hands free to go about your daily business.
Let your child see what it means to be a human being by watching you live your life. Wash the dishes, hang out the laundry, mow the lawn, rake the leaves, sweep the floor, go shopping. (Talking on the phone and doing desk work is generally neither active nor interesting enough for the baby, so try to minimize these activities.)
The baby is used to the mother's natural rhythm and movement from being in the womb, and will sleep for hours in a back or front carrier, often with one finger somehow touching your skin.
Let your baby touch your skin! Let your baby have physical skin-to-skin contact. When your baby is ready to get down it will tell you.
Many cultures never put their babies on the floor for six months. Westerners often leave their babies alone every chance they get – as if carrying a baby were a nuisance rather than an honor! – and they wait a long while listening to a baby cry hysterically before going to pick him or her up.
Do you like to be left alone to cry hysterically for help, for someone to be with you? Why are you torturing your child? Because it was done to you? Does this make it right? Why do you think the baby is crying? Why would you be crying if you were the baby?
When a baby is left alone to ‘cry themselves to sleep’ the experience is life threatening for them. During those few moments is when a baby makes life crushing decisions, such as: “Nobody loves me. I am not good enough to be loved. Everyone has forgotten me. I cannot trust anyone to take care of me. If I want to live I have to do everything for myself. I have been rejected,” and so on.
Pick up your baby immediately and listen to them.
ACTIVITIES
SERIOUSLY LOOK AT YOUR 'ACTIVITY' HABITS
Begin to look seriously at your family's use of smartphones, television, the internet, and video games.
What purpose are these activities serving in reality? What value are they creating for your family? What else could be happening during the times spent staring at the screens?
Actually, you have no idea…
Here are instructions for how to modify a television for family life. There is a tail on your TV. Pull the tail out of the wall. On one end of the tail is a panel (the TV) and on the other end of the tail is a small lump (the plug). Measure ten centimeters (five inches) back from the small lump. Cut the small lump off of the tail with scissors. Wear the small lump around your neck as a victory talisman. Use the flat panel as a tray for serving fresh fruits and vegetable slices to friends during neighborhood picnics.
Some families simply get rid of their televisions altogether. Other families keep the TV packed away in a closet, and bring it out to watch transformational videos now and then.
Moving the TV out allows you to think of something else to do with your precious family time.
Play music together, read stories, draw pictures, shuck walnuts, have plays, weave baskets, sew costumes, cook exotic meals from foreign lands, play cards, or just hang out and relax together as a family. Years later you will look back at these TV-less days as the best of times. Guaranteed.
READ OUT LOUD TO YOUR CHILDREN
Read out loud to your children every day. Be it children's books, adventure stories, Shakespeare, poetry, spiritual literature, or historical fiction, read to them. Do not read the news, murder mysteries, or overtly sexual material.
MOVE AT YOUR CHILDREN'S TIME
Put away the clock and be on your baby's schedule.
These first few years are precious and go by very quickly. Babies do not care what time it is. They have an internal clock of their own.
When they are hungry, they want to eat.
When they are tired, they want to sleep.
Why fight them when you can join them?
Rather than rushing around trying to get all of your unfinished chores done when the baby naps, you can nap too. And if the middle of the night turns out to be play time for a while, relax.
One thing to always remember about the stages of a child's development is that, no matter what this stage is, sooner or later it will move to the next stage.
BABYSITTING IN NOT PARENTING
The Modern Culture version of parenting is babysitting. As an parent, you think your job is to entertain your child so they don't get bored.
Ever seen kids play in the sand, making castles and playing out drama with the water, the dragon and the princess - and the dad fully dressed, phone in hand, standing 3 meters away looking at his children? That is babysitting.
Babysitting cripples your children. They think they need an adult to 'entertain' them. They learn that someone else needs to tell them what is Fun or interesting or challenging. They learn to give their center away to what you want, or what you find fun, where you put your attention, what questions you can ask. You are preparing them to be slave in school, slave of corporation and slave of social media.
Since you have been to school, and you have been babysitted yourself, usually the domains in which you can explore are extremely limited. Much more limited than your children's imagination!
Your child has a Life of its own inside, if you do not crush it or control it.
Let your children be bored - AND DO NOT GIVE THEM A PHONE, A TV, A TABLET, ANY ELECTRONIC DEVICES. Boredom is a liquid state between one thing that interest them and the next. Do not take away their boredom. Let them find the next thing they love on their own.
Can you do this? Let yourself be bored, and let your next authentic impulse move your next action.
Probably not. Therefore, they have no demonstration of adults doing what they love to do on a moment-to-moment basis. If you live in slave time (if you divide your time in work time, rest time, holiday time, it is ALL slave time), they your children learn from you to be in slave time, a slave to you.
It is never too late to learn. Learn from your children how they move from interest to boredom to interest to boredom again.
YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE
Being a single mom in modern culture is impossible. Being a single mom in Archiarchy does not exist.
Raising children is a Village occupation.
Children need children's culture. Within Children's culture, adults do not interfere with the learning process. Adults do not interfere at all.
In Children's culture older children answer the younger ones questions. In Children's culture roving bands from a few-month-old toddler to 16-year-old teenage go on Adventure together.
In Children's culture, the children do and discover naturally what they love while the adult, in Adult Culture, do and discover naturally what they love.
As adults go about doing what they love: planting the garden, making soup, building a tippy, sharpening knives, fixing the hammock, washing clothes, building the deck, nurturing the baby trees in the nursery, baking cakes for 30 people, singing songs, ... children come around and want to help. Let them help. Let them figure out what branches are needed for a tippy, how to start a fire without matches, how to recognize a weed from a vegetable, how squirrels hide their food, how horses communicate, how far can you get to a bird before it flies off, ...
A village of adults doing what they love provides a healthy context for a child to build a resilient inner structure.
INTIMACY WITH YOUR CHILDREN
YOUR BABY IS A FULL-FLEDGED BEING
A commonly held idea is that babies are stupid. Such an attitude is shockingly false. Babies are learning at a tremendous rate. And in terms of what the baby is experiencing, recall some of your first memories.
Can you remember how you first regarded yourself as ‘me’? Did you experience that ‘me’, then, any differently from how you experience this ‘me’, now? Most people do not. Regard your child with infinite respect as a full-fledged Being.
TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN
Talk to your children, and listen to them as if they were fully cognizant individuals deserving your complete attention. You are training them to communicate. Every sound the child makes is an effort to communicate.
If you ignore your child's vocally expressed communications to you by thinking that it is meaningless baby prattle, then so it will remain for a long time, perhaps even into their adulthood. And vice versa; every sound you make to your child is something the child wants to understand.
If you speak to your child in meaningless ‘baby talk’, then your child's efforts to learn verbal communications through imitating you will long be frustrated, because they are imitating nonsense.
Listen to your child and understand what they are saying to you, even if it is not proper language. Whenever they ask for it, give your child your full one-hundred percent attention. Then they will gain confidence that they can have your attention when they need it and will not develop the habit of having to nag you for your attention, or even use their Gremlin part to get negative attention from you, because negative attention is better than no attention at all.
Respond to your child in clear, complete sentences. In this way your baby learns that the world makes sense, and that they can communicate. Out of communication grows trustworthy relationships.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
What do you say to your child?
Keep pointing out and repeating the names of things: wall, chair, potato. Sing to them; describe experiences; recite poetry; make up stories. Don't just talk to make noise, but rather talk to share the wonders of life.
For example, every night while brushing their teeth, count from one to ten in as many different languages as you can, one language for each section of their teeth. Then children will want to learn others languages because they experience it as fun and interesting. Vocabulary, knowing the name of a thing, is a life-long gift that you can give to your children.
Do not talk about your problems at work or with your spouse, your sexual escapades, or your worries about politics and the world of news. Your child will get to those things on their own when they have built the matrix in their Being to deal properly with those things.
BE A 'YES' FOR YOUR CHILDREN
There is a way that you can be, in general, such that who you are for the child is in support of their existence. They can get that you are voting “Yes!” for them. Being “Yes!” for your child does not mean being a doormat. Being “Yes!” for your child means to commit to your child's commitment, whatever it is.
When a child starts climbing on the furniture, instead of shouting "No! Get down from there! You are going to break your neck!," notice exactly what the child is committed to in their actions. Is it the physical challenge? Is it to get attention? Is it because they are angry?
If it is the physical challenge, consider squatting down next to your child and saying something like, “You really like climbing around, don't you?” By doing this you have acknowledged their commitment to expand their physical limits. Then commit to that so they experience your commitment as authentic. “Let's go outside and I can help you climb that tree.” Or, “Maybe you would like to take a gymnastics class with a trampoline or a climbing wall?”
If their commitment is to express their anger, consider squatting down next to them and saying, “It seems like you are feeling something big. Are you angry?” If they say yes, then you can listen to them say what they are angry about. Listening to them does not mean that you try to fix anything, or change anything, or defend anything, or explain anything. Their anger is not your problem. You just listen, and repeat back that you hear they are angry and precisely what they are angry about. They experience themselves as being heard, and that you were the “Yes!” to their anger.
When you are an authentic one hundred percente committed 'Yes' to your children, they learn to be a 'Yes' with you.
KEEP YOUR PROMISES
Keep your promises. Do not make promises you do not keep. This is one of the most powerful relationship tools you can own.
If you tell your child that you are going to leave for the park at two o'clock, and at one fifty-nine the phone rings and it is your mother who likes to talk for fifteen minutes, just say, “I'm sorry, Mom, but I cannot talk right now. We are going to the park at two o'clock. Can you please call me back tonight?” (Notice that the Dad takes full responsibility for making and keeping the promise and does not play victim to the child by saying, “I cannot talk now because Johnny will get mad if I do not take him to the park.”)
If you tell your child that they cannot have a lollipop because it is too close to dinner, do not give in and give them a lollipop because they get angry with you or because they start whining. If it is bath time, it is bath time.
There is no need for the father to be forceful, angry or aggressive about it. The father can have infinite patience, be creative and inviting, be consistent and gently firm, because he is already certain of the outcome through holding the space for their child having a bath.
TRUST YOUR CHILDREN'S JUDGMENT
Trust your child's judgment of character, even if it is inconvenient.
One time we were at a friend's wedding with our first daughter who was less than two years old. She disappeared for half an hour and we could not find her. Finally we found her off to the side of the crowd sitting on a bench next to an elderly gentleman we neither knew nor recognized. He was smoking a big cigar and apparently philosophizing to her about everything that was going on. We resisted and did not interrupt their communion. It went on for over an hour, she being totally enraptured with this stranger. When she was finished, she came responsibly back to us. We noticed a clear expansion in her worldliness and self-confidence after that.
Another time my partner and I had arranged a rare date for us to go out together as a couple. When the baby sitter arrived the children were not wanting to stay with her. Rather than rushing out the door anyway, we stopped and changed our plans, paid the babysitter, sent her home, and spent the evening together with the kids. Our lost date was a smaller wound than would have occurred if we abandoned our children to a stranger they were uncomfortable with.
ABUSE & BOUNDARIES
THESE ARE YOUR WOUNDS, NOT YOUR CHILDREN'S PROBLEM
Striking, hitting, shaking, slapping, yanking, spanking, pinching, whipping, beating, or jerking your child – ever, for any reason – is a sign of your own deep wounds.
Go get your wounds healed through professional Emotional Healing Processes, immediately and ongoingly, before you become a criminal causing wounds to your own children.
When an adult tries to solve their own problem by physically abusing their child, this is time to get call for immediate professional help.
Yes, you can arrange to have more rest and less stress, calling someone for support, joining a parenting support group, and getting into therapy or a ‘Twelve-Step’ program.
Your reactive aggressive behaviors will not change through positive thinking. Stop fooling yourself.
Your own deep emotional wounds need to be healed before your behavior will change. Violence to children is a serious infraction and cannot be dealt with alone. Pay attention to your habits of behavior under stress.
Do you terrorize your baby as a way of dominating, controlling or manipulating them?
If so, get help. Now.
BE REAL WITH YOUR CHILDREN
On the other hand, be real with your child.
Create relational reality.
For example, if a child hits you, notice what their intention is.
A baby may grab your hair or nose and try to bite it, and this may hurt or be annoying, but that is different from hitting with the intention to hurt.
If they are just exploring, gently unpeel their fingers from your nose and give them something else to explore that does not cause you pain. But if the child hits with the intention to hurt, then even though you are a fully grown adult Man, and, of course, the hit does not really hurt you, act as if it did. Say, “Ouch!” seriously, loudly, as if the child's intentions had been fulfilled and it makes you afraid. (Important note: Do NOT make a game out of this!)
When the child sees that they have hurt their father, and the father says angrily, “No! Stop that! That hurts me! Don't do that! Stop it NOW!” just like one adult would say to another, then clear communication is happening, and relational reality has been established.
ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR EXPERIENCE
We have watched seemingly intelligent fathers observe their child fall down, scrape their knees, come to their parents in tears looking for comfort and understanding, only to hear the father say, “Nothing happened. It does not hurt. There is nothing to cry about.”
What a horror! Here is the child, who is in real and undeniable physical pain, coming to their father who is like a god to them - all knowing, all powerful. When the child receives the communication from the father that ‘nothing happened’, it is in such total contradiction to the child's experience, that the father's message can cause a split in the child's psychology.
Such a message is psychological abuse, and can contribute to conditions known as ‘borderline’, ‘schizophrenic’, or ‘psychotic’. It causes the child to mistrust their assessment of reality, and it also causes them to mistrust you.
All that the child needs is to be heard. When the child approaches the father, the father can ask, “What happened?” In recounting the incident to a listening father, the child can safely experience and express their big feelings, and heal themselves of the shock of the incident, all in a matter of moments with no scars, and then run back and keep playing. No ‘make wrong’, no ‘warning’, no “Did you learn your lesson?" Nothing else from the father is required.
Just listen, acknowledge that something did happen from their point of view, and confirm the child's experience without dramatizing the situation into something bigger than it is.
MAKE AND HOLD AUTHENTIC BOUNDARIES
A child needs a Dad who protects them, sets boundaries, asks for what he needs, tells them how it is, listens to them, leads them into practical relationship with a magical wondrous world, and demonstrates integrity, impeccability, love, and possibility.
A child also needs a Dad who is a total "Yes!" for them. So much of the world is already a "No!" expressed as laws, procedures, rules, schedules, grades, expectations, limits, and so on. Our parents were often a “No!” for us. Without knowing it, many of us are an automatic “No!” for our own children.
DO NOT TICKLE YOUR CHILDREN
DO NOT tickle your child, and DO NOT let other people tickle them. Tickling is a form of physical abuse.
Most times, when someone is tickling a child, they are trespassing into the child's sexual energetic ‘space’ without the child's permission. Tickling is a form of rape.
Since the child is defenseless, the world becomes dangerous if they are tickled. Many people tickle children to try to change their mood or to control them. Tickling is often hidden aggressiveness. It is not for the child's pleasure but rather to manipulate the child for our own selfish satisfaction of having the child smile or laugh for us and give us their attention or do what we want.
STORIES
A Parent's Story
One day my seven year-old son came home so upset from school about something that his teacher had done. I invited him to tell the teacher all of it, or that if he did not want to do it, I could. He decided to tell her himself and ask me to go with him back to school. In front of the classroom, he said: "Mom, I want you to say nothing but only to stand there and have your hand in my back."
He told her everything about what was ok and not ok. She started crying, tears on her cheeks.
Once in a while I see my three grown up sons still take a stand and say what has to be said.- Jördis Tielsch -
David Gerrold's Story (author of Martian Child)
excerpted from his book A Rage For Revenge (Matrix Code BOOK0254.00) pages 292-294
I thought the job of a parent is to help a kid grow up to be a good human being.
Who said it isn't?
Well, then what are we arguing about?
Look, Jim, you've got this whole parenting thing confused with programming. Do you think you job is to make a duplicate of yourself? Don't be stupid; you'll just be condemning the kid to a lifetime of failure. He'll never be able to be as good at being you as you already are. See, here's the joke: you have no voice in how that kid turns out. It is entirely his responsibility.
I don't get that...
Good. So, let me ask it another way. Did your parents have anything to do with how you turned out?
No.
Right. They only provided the space for you to grow. You were in charge of the growing. Pretty lonely, wasn't it?
Yes.
Yeah. That is the essential human condition, loneliness. Remember that. That is why we do everything we do. So, look, if your parents had nothing to do with how you turned out, why do you think you have anything to do with how your kids are going to turn out?
I hear what you are saying. I get what you mean, but I don't. I mean, it doesn't make sense.
No, it doesn't. So, just remember what it was like for you as a kid. You can't teach your kid anything; he can only learn it for himself. All you can do is provide the opportunities for him to learn. Being a parent does not mean you own the child. It means you are entrusted with the responsibility of teaching him responsibility. Nothing more. You are performing a service for an adult who is still in the process of getting there - and that service is the creation of continuous opportunities for self-actualization and empowerment. What he does with those opportunities is up to him. The best you can do is be an example. He will learn from what you do, not from what you say. That is the annoying part. You have to take care of yourself.
But that sounds selfish.
It is selfish. Listen, the only thing you can ever give your kids is your own well-being. They are going to look to you as the source of all well-being in the universe. If they do not see it in you, they are not going to know it is possible. You know, most parents go crazy with that. They think their job is to sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice for their kids. Don't do that! You'll just drive them crazy, particularly when you start thinking that they owe you something for all that sacrifice. Don't expect it, because you are not going to get it. Growing up is a full-time job. They aren't going to have much attention for anything else for a long time to come. Let them be the way they are, because they sure as hell can't be anything else.
But you are telling me there is nothing I can do!
That's right. You have already done enough. Now it is time to stop doing and start being.
Huh?
You are carrying around a whole bunch of pictures about what is the right way to be a Daddy. They are getting in your way. You are already a Daddy. Those picture you've got about the right way to do it - they are actually your ego in disguise. Listen, you've taken on a big responsibility. We are talking about that responsibility, about the fact that you want to do the job right, don't you?
Yes.
Good. So let me tell you this. You won't. No matter what you do, you are going to screw it up. Your kids will blame you, just like you blamed your parents, and probably still do. The only way to measure you success as a parent will be the speed with which your kids forgive you. Teach your kids how to contribute [their nonmaterial value] to the people around them and you will have done your job.
David Gerrold's Story (author of Martian Child)
excerpted from his book A Rage For Revenge (Matrix Code BOOK0254.00) pages 292-294
I thought the job of a parent is to help a kid grow up to be a good human being.
Who said it isn't?
Well, then what are we arguing about?
Look, Jim, you've got this whole parenting thing confused with programming. Do you think you job is to make a duplicate of yourself? Don't be stupid; you'll just be condemning the kid to a lifetime of failure. He'll never be able to be as good at being you as you already are. See, here's the joke: you have no voice in how that kid turns out. It is entirely his responsibility.
I don't get that...
Good. So, let me ask it another way. Did your parents have anything to do with how you turned out?
No.
Right. They only provided the space for you to grow. You were in charge of the growing. Pretty lonely, wasn't it?
Yes.
Yeah. That is the essential human condition, loneliness. Remember that. That is why we do everything we do. So, look, if your parents had nothing to do with how you turned out, why do you think you have anything to do with how your kids are going to turn out?
I hear what you are saying. I get what you mean, but I don't. I mean, it doesn't make sense.
No, it doesn't. So, just remember what it was like for you as a kid. You can't teach your kid anything; he can only learn it for himself. All you can do is provide the opportunities for him to learn. Being a parent does not mean you own the child. It means you are entrusted with the responsibility of teaching him responsibility. Nothing more. You are performing a service for an adult who is still in the process of getting there - and that service is the creation of continuous opportunities for self-actualization and empowerment. What he does with those opportunities is up to him. The best you can do is be an example. He will learn from what you do, not from what you say. That is the annoying part. You have to take care of yourself.
But that sounds selfish.
It is selfish. Listen, the only thing you can ever give your kids is your own well-being. They are going to look to you as the source of all well-being in the universe. If they do not see it in you, they are not going to know it is possible. You know, most parents go crazy with that. They think their job is to sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice for their kids. Don't do that! You'll just drive them crazy, particularly when you start thinking that they owe you something for all that sacrifice. Don't expect it, because you are not going to get it. Growing up is a full-time job. They aren't going to have much attention for anything else for a long time to come. Let them be the way they are, because they sure as hell can't be anything else.
But you are telling me there is nothing I can do!
That's right. You have already done enough. Now it is time to stop doing and start being.
Huh?
You are carrying around a whole bunch of pictures about what is the right way to be a Daddy. They are getting in your way. You are already a Daddy. Those picture you've got about the right way to do it - they are actually your ego in disguise. Listen, you've taken on a big responsibility. We are talking about that responsibility, about the fact that you want to do the job right, don't you?
Yes.
Good. So let me tell you this. You won't. No matter what you do, you are going to screw it up. Your kids will blame you, just like you blamed your parents, and probably still do. The only way to measure you success as a parent will be the speed with which your kids forgive you. Teach your kids how to contribute [their nonmaterial value] to the people around them and you will have done your job.
Fighting the Patriarchy One Grandpa at a Time
To the other adults in the room this is fine.
A grown man looms behind my three-year-old daughter. Occasionally he will poke or tickle her and she responds by shrinking. Smaller and
smaller with each unwanted advance. I imagine her trying to become
slight enough to slip out of her booster seat and slide under the table.When my mother views this scene, she sees playful taunting. A grandfather engaging with his granddaughter.
“Mae.” My tone cuts through the din of a familiar family gathering together. She does not look at me.
“Mae.” I start again. “You can tell him no Mae. If this isn’t okay you could say something like, Papa, please back up—I would like some space for my body.”
As I say the words, my step-father, the bulldog, leans in a little closer, hovering just above her head. His tenebrous grin taunts me as my daughter accordions her 30-pound frame hoping to escape his tickles and hot breath.
I repeat myself with a little more force. She finally peeks up at me.
“Mama…can you say it?” Surprise. A three-year-old-girl doesn’t feel comfortable defending herself against a grown man. A man that has stated he loves and cares for her over and over again, and yet, stands here showing zero concern for her wishes about her own body. I ready myself
for battle.“Papa! Please back up! Mae would like some space for her body.” My voice is firm but cheerful. He does not move.
“Papa. I should not have to ask you twice. Please back up. Mae is uncomfortable.”
“Oh, relax,” he says, ruffling her wispy blonde hair. The patriarchy stands, patronizing me in my own damn kitchen. “We’re just playin’.” His southern drawl does not charm me.
“No. You were playing. She was not. She’s made it clear that she would like some space, now please back up.”
“I can play how I want with her.” He says, straightening his posture. My chest tightens. The sun-bleached hairs on my arms stand at attention as this man, who has been my father figure for more than three decades, enters the battle ring.
“No. No, you cannot play however you want with her. It’s not okay to ‘have fun’ with someone who does not want to play.” He opens his
mouth to respond but my rage is palpable through my measured response. I wonder if my daughter can feel it. I hope she can.He retreats to the living room and my daughter stares up at me. Her eyes, a starburst of blue and hazel, shine with admiration for her mama.
The dragon has been slayed (for now). My own mother is silent. She refuses to make eye contact with me.
This is the same woman who shut me down when I told her about a sexual assault I had recently come to acknowledge. This is the same
woman who was abducted by a carful of strangers as she walked home one night. She fought and screamed until they kicked her out. Speeding away, they ran over her ankle and left her with a lifetime of physical and emotional pain. This is the same woman who said nothing, who could say nothing as her boss and his friends sexually harassed her for years. This is the same woman who married one of those friends.When my mother views this scene, she sees her daughter overreacting. She sees me “making a big deal out of nothing.” Her concerns lie more in
maintaining the status quo and cradling my step-dad’s toxic ego than in protecting the shrinking three-year-old in front of her.When I view this scene, I am both bolstered and dismayed. My own strength and refusal to keep quiet is the result of hundreds, probably
thousands of years of women being mistreated, and their protests ignored. It is the result of watching my own mother suffer quietly at the hands
of too many men. It is the result of my own mistreatment and my solemn vow to be part of ending this cycle.It would be so easy to see a little girl being taught that her wishes don’t matter. That her body is not her own. That even people she loves
will mistreat and ignore her. And that all of this is “okay” in the name of other people, men, having fun.But. What I see instead is a little girl watching her mama. I see a little girl learning that her voice matters. That her wishes matter. I see a little girl learning that she is allowed and expected to say no. I see her learning that this is not okay.
And I hope my mom is learning something, too.
RESOURCES
FAMILY LIFE IN TIMES OF CRISIS
A few days ago, my eyes caught an article titled: “Two weeks in confinement: between work-at-home and the kids, I don’t know if I can hold it any longer.” Something in me cracked. The underlying message is that family life is a torture-chamber that can only be escaped by ‘going to work’ somewhere else. Has family proximity morphed into a source of suffering, anxiety and frustration?
Read Article Here.
A DEEPER LOOK AT 7 PARENTING STRATEGIES THAT SEEM COMPLETELY NORMAL
Lessons from the sandpit
I am on the playground with my two-year-old son and the three-year-old son of a neighbor. It is a crisp morning, and the sun is just about to rise over the large willows at the edge of the playground. The two boys have only known each other briefly and are wandering about, uncertain what to do with themselves.
I am tired from an interrupted night’s sleep and am feeling glad that the two children have each other to play with. I also feel some fear, the uncertainty of how this will go, the responsibility of taking care of another child, wanting to create a safe space for them to explore in.
Read Article Here.
POSSIBILITY PARENTING: Introduction (in 3 parts) & More
Recordings from talks Clinton Callahan gave in the early 2000.
Introduction Part 1: https://www.nextcultureradio.org/blog/parenting-introduction-part-1-3
Introduction Part 2: https://www.nextcultureradio.org/blog/parenting-introduction-part-2-3
Introduction Part 3: https://www.nextcultureradio.org/blog/parenting-introduction-part-3-3
Parenting (2) Nonlinear & Holding Space: https://www.nextcultureradio.org/blog/parenting-2-nonlinearity-holding-space
Parenting (3) Feeling & Listening As A Space: https://www.nextcultureradio.org/blog/parenting-3-feelings-and-listening-as-a-space
Parenting (4) Listening As A Space & Roving: https://www.nextcultureradio.org/blog/parenting-4-listening-as-a-space-and-roving
Parenting (5) Worlds, Be A Yes, Outside The Culture: https://www.nextcultureradio.org/blog/parenting-5-intersection-of-worlds-be-a-yes-outside-the-culture
Parenting (6) Worlds, Be A Yes, Outside The Culture:
Possibility Parent Experiments
Become Centered
Matrix Code POPARENT.00
Your child might be the most important being in your life.
That is why your center can be with it easily.
Children take your center away.
It is their job to make you aware of your center because they need you to be centered and present in your 5 Bodies to learn and imitate you and get to know the world.
If you are not centered and have your own personal bubble of space your children lose orientation.
Set Clear Boundaries
Matrix Code POPARENT.00
Without clear boundaries your child does not know what it can expect from you. It makes structure during the day impossible as well as connection to where you are and what it means to share, to negotiate etc.
Also start here:
https://rageclub.mystrikingly.com/
Minimize the Now
Matrix Code POPARENT.00
Being With
Matrix Code POPARENT.00
Experiental Reality
Matrix Code POPARENT.00
The older we get modern culture introduces us to verbal reality. Everything gets a name and concepts emerge and you are asked to explain things in school. Your child most of its time lives in experiental reality when it has not been introduced to school yet. Especially whe it starts to form its first words everything is new and kids like to find out how this or that thing can break or functions or use it for different things. Learn to be with your child in experiental reality.
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Next experiment
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A small taglineA sentence or two describing this item. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet.- NOTE: This website is a Bubble in the Bubble Map of the free-to-play massively-multiplayer online-and-offline thoughtware-upgrade matrix-building personal-transformation real-life adventure-game called StartOver.xyz. It is a doorway to experiments that upgrade your thoughtware so you can relocate your point of origin and create more possibility. Your knowledge is what you think about. Your thoughtware is what you use to think with. When you change your thoughtware, you go through a liquid state as your mind reorganizes itself. Liquid states can bring up transformational feelings and emotions. By upgrading your thoughtware you build matrix to hold more consciousness and leave behind a low drama life of reactivity. No one can upgrade your thoughtware for you. More interestingly, no one can stop you from upgrading your thoughtware. Our theory is that when we collectively build 1,000,000 new Matrix Points we will change the morphogenetic field of the human race for the better. Please choose responsibly to read this website. Reading this whole website is worth 1 Matrix Point. Doing any of the experiments earns you additional Matrix Points. Please use Matrix Code POPARENT.00 to log your Matrix Point for reading this website on StartOver.xyz. Thank you for playing full out!
