Men and Women are different.

I'm growing increasingly frustrated and exhausted at the narrative that tries to say that we are the same… because it's harmful.

One of the greatest problems I see in my relationship work is the lack of honouring for the differences we carry.

Almost every couple that comes to me in conflict I will be able to trace it back to this.

She believes he should be more like her.

She sees the world through her own lens… how she grows, how she feels, how she takes responsibility, what she thinks is important, what she thinks a man should be — and she puts it all on him… and with this, she cages him.

He is now a hairy woman, confined to acting within her parameters of what is acceptable or not.

And he will hate being caged this way.

He will resent her for it.

She wants him to be a man, yet she views that through the lens of woman... and what a woman thinks a man should be.

And simultaneously, he does the same to her.

He understand the world as a man and looks at her like a weird alien.

She feels too much, she moves too quick, she wants too much, she doesn't make any sense.

He calls her crazy.

He acts like she is nuts.

And it stirs rage in her belly.

She will hate him for the ways he does not see her.

And then they fight about it.

Over and over and over again.

He isn't acting the way she expects.

She isn't acting the way he wants.

Instead of attempting to understand each other, they blame each other.

Resentment grows.

Love stagnates.

Everything becomes offensive.

She might not say it… but she certainly thinks it:

"If only he was more like me, things would work so much better."

As he rolls his eyes and thinks:

"If only she could just chill out for a minute, everything would be fine."

But he won't be like her.

And she won't be like him.

Isn't it bizarre???

That we are drawn to each other in this way…

We struggle to understand how we each function, to the point where the collective resentment is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

(Have you been on Threads? It's a cesspool of gendered hate, it turns my stomach into knots some of the things that I see said there)

Yet at the same time we want each other so much.

We crave each other to the point of agony.

We yearn and want that special man or woman to come into our life... some of us wait years or decades hoping for this moment.

But it won't happen until we start growing into this truth.

We are different, and we must learn about each other.

Because one of the biggest tests we are being called to face is this:

CAN WE LOVE, HONOUR AND CELEBRATE OUR DIFFERENCES?

Not just tolerate. Not just accept. Not just get along with.

Can we be f*%king wild with desire for just how unique and different they are from us?

This seemingly simple act, to be able to truly hold differences with reverence, is what we need as a whole to evolve.

Not just in a romantic relationships… as an entire species.

If we did this, there would be no wars.

There would be no more divides.

We would be able to step into a world where everybody is free to be themselves, and loved for it.

But it starts at home.

It starts in our romantic partnerships.

It starts when a woman looks at a man and truly realises he is different — and she adores him for it.

She no longer tries to change him, or expect that he should be doing it differently than he is… instead she becomes inflamed with desire for how magnificent it is that he is not the same as her. The releases him to be a man on HIS terms.

And it starts when a man looks at a woman and settles into an awe-filled reverence for how incredibly gorgeous the feminine is in her full range of expression.

He no longer tries to control her, diminish her and keep her small.

Instead he celebrates all of her, in every facet, and says:

"More, more, yes please give me more of you".

This is a secret key to a thriving relationship.

Don't try to make them the same as you.

Instead, work really hard to understand and love the ways they are different.

This is what will evoke the deepest, most passionate, long-term intimacy.

~ Damien Bohler